Entry 1
1/12/2025

I've been working lately very hard on getting closer and closer to peace, comfort, security. A difficult task in this world today, particularly as a disabled person. Resources are thin and I stretch them to the limit. I find organizing brings me closer to calm, knowing my food budget, my month to month budject, logging any savings or spending or the like helps me bring myself to a space where I feel in control of my reality. Where I can feel safe knowing I will not go in debt or run out of food money. Peace is a tricky thing. To achieve peace one must become comfortable with a lack of peace, with the one constant of change within the universe, with the constant of change within the self. I cannot control my pain, my suffering, my symptoms. I cannot control other people, how they act and react, how they feel. Often I wish I could, life would be much easier, coming to accept perhaps that ease is not the purpose but rather growth, that in my discomfort perhaps I can find comfort, in controlling what I can (my environment, my reaction to myself and others, my ways of interacting with the world). In looking at what is and seeing beyond to what could be. Creation is and always has been the driving force in my life. I must survive because I have things to do, things to make, things to come up with and give birth to in this world. Art comes naturally, art brings calm, brings chaos, brings all good things to me and through me. I am blessed to be an artist. I manipulate my life to make it art, to create and environment that inspires comfort and peace, that inspires creation and growth. Even when I don't know where I wish to go or who I want to be I know that one constant for myself is that I will continue to create, and through doing so I find what is meant for me. That's what I feel now at least, which as with all things is subject to change and growth. As always I do my best as a flawed being to find meaning in my life. Meaning and purpose, I have laid in my bed for years and it didn't make me any better, perhaps nothing will, but sitting around brings me such agony I no longer can indulge it unless necessary. I try to keep myself busy with projects and the like. I try to bring myself comfort however I can. I have determined life is very uncomfortable for me given what I have been through and I cannot change that. I try to give myself things that make life worth living, while my loved ones have given me the willingness to go on, it is up to me to put my feet forwards and accept their help, accept my own help, accept that I have a place and a meaning on this planet if I choose to make it so. I dilegently work in service of my highest self so I may one day know the peace I seek from the world. So I may see the self I am and always have been, who works for the highest good of not only itself, but for everyone around and the whole world.

Entry 2
3/27/2025
I have such ambitions, such lofty goals, I have no clue what I will or will not achieve in life. In many ways I find it causes me to freeze when I think too much about it. Much better if I let myself move as is natural and not worry so much about the nonsense of everything that could be. I have been achieving more of the piece I crave, it comes and it goes, waves crashing down and subsiding. I have good food, good people in my life, a safe clean home, what more could I ask for. Perhaps a bit more security. Financial security is a fickle thing, how sad it makes me that living is so tied to monetary nonsense. Though we have the resources we do not share them and this makes us worse of in all ways, I wish things were different I wish we looked out for one another better. That no one should fear being under the thumb of another, unable to bring themselves to safety and peace. This is why I work so hard, so I may have the security to live out my days in peace. To continue learning about myself and those around me, to explore the mind and to live a sustainable way, I wish more than anything to never harm anyone or anything. I want it so badly, to not have to participate in a system which leads inevitebly back to harm of one or another group.